I'm going to re-use this journal for all my updates/newsflashes and life stuff.
!! Rant Warning !!
I don't know why I am even trying anymore. I really don't. Two years, no job. Two years and no extra study. Two years, no art improvement.
I don't know what to do. I feel so useless. Talking to people doesn't help me at all, cause I talk to friends and even perfect strangers and nothing seems to help me.
I want to write, so I write everyday but what comes out onto the paper is not what is running through my head, it doesn't convey what I say.
I want to draw, but at every turn nothing on my practice pages turn out like I want them to. I know that's the point of practice, it's not meant to be perfect and clean.
Even talking verbally to another person is starting to get difficult. It's not like when you have one of those days where you can't think of a word or say it properly, it's like I have a full blown speech problem, words come out sounding terrible and mispronounced.
I have the worst memory, I can't really remember what I did three days ago unless someone tells me.
I am constantly off in my own world and every single day I feel like I need to swear at someone and make them feel worse than me. I know that's bullying, I know it's wrong, so I don't do it. But sometimes I get so annoyed that I can call my best friend the worst possible names to make them feel like I do. I want to hurt them, but I don't. Because I know that's wrong.
It never use to be like this. I use to be happy and nice and always smiling. Now I just sit there with a blank expression, completely anti-social.
It hurts when my family tells me that the things that interest me aren't worth time or attention. Archery, Animal Care/Agriculture, Leather Crafting, Drawing, Writing; they tell me all the time, so I literally scream at myself to remind myself how pathetic I am - "IT'S ALL A WASTE OF YOUR FUCKING TIME!!! WAKE UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A LAZY, SELF ABSORBED BITCH AND FIND WORK YOU LITTLE WHORE! ACTUALLY GET UP, FIND SOME WORK, AND LET EVERYONE CUT YOU DOWN CAUSE DREAMING IS A MOTHERFUCKING WASTE OF YOUR FUCKING GODDAMN TIME!"
I'm a waste of space without any goddamn talent, so I should just settle for being second best in life. I've had it.
Stressing out now because my dog is yelping but we don't know why. I've looked at the leg affected, and it only happens when he applies pressure on it sometimes, but otherwise he walks fine on it. There are no cuts, scratches, nicks, thorns, prickles or anything sticking into his paw that is visible. It's possible he's bruised it, I'm just really worried about him. He's my second dog, after my first was put down, he's literally my line life to keep myself together when at times I'd otherwise just fall apart. I don't want to lose him, I don't think I could own another dog after him, at least, not for many years. I waited 8 years before I got him, and I don't know what I would do without my boy. Yes he is older, he's about 7 or 8 now, I'm not 100% sure cause mum has his paperwork, so he's in his later years. So it's possible that he'll be going to a vet tomorrow if his condition doesn't improve and he keeps yelping. I hope he's better in the morning, I really do.
Looking to hire a few people to assist in an ARPG called The-Riders-of-Renza
. It's a realistic based (with a false history/stables/staff etc) horse riding academy. The Renza Riding Academy is a prestigious place to learn to ride, or further advance education.
I can't do it all on my own. I'd really like help to get it going. Please only contact if you are serious about helping out.
Note you won't be a Co-Founder, but a Contributor.
Admins will need to follow Colour Scheme for the Academy but otherwise is free motion.
Looking for ~
- Prompt Admin : Gets to write out a variety of additional prompts for art that reaches a certain art level.
- Lesson Admin : Gets to make obstacles/props for jumping courses/cross-country/dressage and some ability to set class assignments.
- Tracking Admin : Gets to track stable breedings, sales, lesson horses (as well as design horses for stables), students etc.
- Scenery Admin: Gets to make up backgrounds, stable appearance etc.
I'm a little distressed at the moment, things are just coming back and striking me down rather unexpectedly, and some of it is so minor I really shouldn't be having a spaz-attack over it. But I am having a little bit of a melt down after some new stuff came to light today. My male best friend was meant to visit me today for a talk, a movie and well, to give me a hug because I've had a hellish couple of weeks. And he never showed. Really, I feel like an idiot in thinking he would show up. But I reasoned that he had made plans with me, that he had come over a few times prior, so he would surely come over today. But no, and when I messaged him to double check that nothing had come up, I got no reply throughout the day. So that really hurt, when it shouldn't really. But I did get my friend Belle over today, so that was a slightly better than being alone. We then got asked to attend a special assembly for my younger brother, so I made my friend tag along over to my mother's place.
I got hit with more bad news. After her fight with Cancer and some other really nasty form of growth, my mother lost quite a few internal organs, and basically only left her with half a bladder. She's now clear of cancer, but the growth is still spreading. Well it looks like she is going to lose her remaining bladder, making this operation number 11! I only knew of one from when I was 17, one that threatened to take her away from me! Let alone the other ten! While I didn't show it, I think a piece of me just died at the thought that she has been through that much and I never knew. I mean, I feel badly enough to only have found out my mother had cancer a week before my 17th birthday and that I never knew she was fighting it from basically the moment my younger brother was born! That really hurt me that they kept it from me for so long, I know that I couldn't do anything, but it hurt that it was a life threatening operation before I turned 17 for god's sake! I didn't know until two years ago that her partner was beating the shit out of her! She was a fucking domestic violence victim and I never knew! She talks about dying so casually around me, telling me how a few times she was ready to just go and leave us and that hurts more.
So when I really wanted to tell her to shut up and stop talking like that, the only response my body gives is the most calm expression and a simple nod. I got home, sent my friend away and all I've done this evening is bawl my eyes out. Add to this, the fear of losing my only uncle whom treats me like I am his kid and the uncertainty of my own future, and you've got one hell of a cocktail for a breakdown, which I am currently going through and will experience more of until I am withdrawn from socialising more than I am already. But don't worry, these worries are insignificant and I will keep smiling even though I am casually just falling apart on the inside. With sadness, rage is often quick on its heels, so I apologies if I snap unexpectedly.
So, I've updated my to do list and now it is much smaller, so I am happier about that.
Again, I deeply apologise to everyone for taking so long to get these few things done, but I am doing my best with juggling life as well. Tonight art is on a halt for 2 stupid, but reasonable reasons. The first, my tablet has decided once again that it doesn't want to respond and be nice so I need to restart my fucking asshole of a computer for the fourth time this evening and I don't want to do that right now. The second reason is that I have been drinking. I'm not totally incapacitated, not hammered/drunk or anything like that because I am a fairly responsible person and don't want my only alcohol to run out since I am a poor asshole who is all over the shop and really, my judgement is not 100% and I don't like to do half assed jobs. So I'm also just not responding to RPs tonight only because well, I don't trust myself and my ability to judge what I write. I needed a drink or three or whatever, but I need to relax.
Sorry, sort of, I'll probably apologise again in the morning, but yeah, I'm not functioning right now.
I am working on all my owed art, I honestly am. I'm just really slow at the moment and I apologise for that.
Please bear with me, I do have reasons for my lack of effort/personal arts.
I haven't exactly felt the urge to complete them, but I am forcing myself to finish them because it is right to do so.
Also, for RPs of late, my apologies, my computer is acting up at least 80% of the time now due to its age, so my internet drops out, I crash, I blue screen of death, I freeze, and sometimes even external links can take weeks to load. I am trying, and holding out here, hoping to save up money to get a new one at Christmas if I am lucky and nothing happens before then. Aside from my computer, I am a very sick family member who means the world to me and we could lose him if his surgery keeps getting pushed back. He has five major blockages in his heart, and he's also diabetic, so it's pretty hard to deal with this and it's been going on since April. There has also been a lot of tension in regards to my younger siblings. So yeah, things aren't great at the moment and I, in general, feel pretty shitty.
After I do the last YHH for the LCs, that will be it for a little while before I post more.
I've gotten back into my dragons and Agyars so they are taking up a fair bit of my time at the moment. But I am looking for those who are interested in collaborating with me on my dragons. I can draw the dragon forms, but their human forms always come out looking strangled, so I'm looking for some who would like to help me out with that.
Until I Grace You Again, Jac.